I have a confession to make…… I have a massively overblown ego, this huge part of my personality and has been with me all my life. My ego has been created from all the good but mostly bad experiences that I have had in the past.
Lately I have started to really hate and dispise my ego. See not only does you ego give you brash confidence in some areas it also limits you endlessly through over protection.
Take for example. I am wanting to get into TV commercials and a bit of acting, but because of my ego’s, fear of looking stupid or making mistakes, I have procrastinated. This procrastination has gone on for at least 8 months and its really eating me up.
Over the years my ego has gradually developed into a second personality. So if you speak to me, sometimes you may get my ego, armor and all, or sometimes you will get the real Leon. Very rarely will you see the real Leon because the ego first duty is to protect, the soft heart underneath. My ego has been so dominant that it has become my prime personality. How scarey is that!
Here’s an interesting thought, is my ego part of me or is it a seperate personality made to shield me from the feelings of pain and rejection? I am uncertain about this and need to do further reading to the field.
Sitting here writing about this topic is giving me a slight dull ache in the centre of my back, and what this is, is the feeling of vuneralibity. Exposing the real Leon and who I really am makes my ego nervous and naturally does not want this to happen and is showing me by making me feel scared to write this blog.
This truly feels so liberating, to dig through all the crap and to push aside the ego that has controlled you for all your life and making the first break through.
In my younger days I was a fat little asian boy with a not so flattering surname, (not the one I use today), and was teased constantly, I just wanted to disappear and not be noticed. This is when my ego was born. As years went on and my size became bigger my ego developed a more aggressive approach to bullying and teasing. Underneath this tough ego exterior was and still is a scared little boy who is afraid to be judged and to scared to show the real Leon, for fear of being ridiculed.
So right now I have a predicament, I have the Leon that wants to be fearless and do what ever he wants and I have the protective armor of ego saying” Don’t do it because you will get judged and hurt by what people say about you.
Heres an example of how my ego has stopped me achieving what I want in life. Throughout all the books I have read there is one thing I have learnt, if you want to be the best in something, find a person that has achieved it and emulate that person. This is because that person has gone through all the road bumps and mistakes, and in this way you can avoid those mistakes. But my ego tells me, no, I want to do it my way, I want to cut my own trail so I can feel that I have dont it all by my self. So now I am still cutting through and making misttakes when I could easily find someone who has achieved what I want and simply emulate them.
Right now there is an internal war, and its between the ego and the true Leon that is fighting to escape his self imposed cell.
Interestingly my ego wants to do all the tv acting etc, but its the True Leon that has decided that it wont be the ego that stars, it will be the true Leon that stars.
Confusing I know!
So my question to you is, have you got control of your ego or does it control you?
I wish you all the best in your battle as mine has only just begun.
Smile!
Leon
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And here I thought I was alone. Hi Leon, my name is Anthony. From the looks of it, it has been a while since this was posted. I hope you found the answer you were looking for. Assuming someone did answer you, might you be willing to share the answer with me?
Like you, I have the same problem. I don’t mean in general, I mean the exact same problem….the only differences we have are ethnicity and what we were teased about in grade school. Otherwise it was like I just wrote your whole blog. I took my ego a step further for preservation. He has a name and an complete personality separate from mine. He used to rule over me, however I was protected from anything. At one point there were two of them, both with names and different traits. I do not suffer from Multiple Personality because I am aware of what is happening and I understand the dynamic and use for the ego. I, the scared little boy from the past, used them to hide and protect me because I was so afraid to be judged like I was all my young years. I am what most people call a fragile soul, easily hurt and beaten by the ignorant cruelty of most people. Guess that’s just how some people are. Fortunately, because of our ability to be very empathetic (sometimes to a fault), we make excellent actors. I too would love to act and be in commercials and movies like yourself but have procrastinated far longer….
I did get a bit of control over my ego by taking parts of it’s role away from it. For example, I listed the most common reason for him to take over and I learned how to deal with those catalysts myself so I would not have to turn to the ego to destroy everything in it’s path in order to feel better. Researching how to deal with fear is #1. After that, dealing with anger should be #2. From there you should be able to handle the other things that it will throw at you.
There is one thing that has stuck with me that might help you deal with your ego. It was attention. It wants to rule. Letting it take over gives it that attention. FIGHTING IT and telling it NO and being ANGRY with it STILL GIVES IT ATTENTION. The best way that I have found is this; when he starts talking and getting all riled up about something, take a step back and say to yourself “I understand what you want and what you are trying to do. I understand, however I not accept.” This usually silences mine. Sometimes he throws a hissy fit and tries to weasel in a reason why I am incapable, in which case I just say that line again and move on.
There was one incident in high school about 8 years ago in which my ego needed me to step in to protect him! I was very confused, but since I had no emotional attachment to what he was asking me to do, I did it. It was a very different feeling and the thoughts going through my head were very confusing. He was being nice to me. He felt so guilty because he had tormented me since he was “born” and the minute he needed someone I was there. Ever since then we have made a very strange team. It’s like having an invisible twin brother and being able to switch places once in a while. I hope it doesn’t sound too confusing to you.
Now hear I am, almost 23 and he is still here. He went away for a little bit, but came back more than likely due to stress, fear, anger, and helplessness. All those emotions are generated by me and only because I was not able to have the correct outlook on the events that have happened to me. Well, I shouldn’t say correct outlook since there would have been many, many correct ways to view those events. Instead I should say that I had an incorrect view on how things should have been. None of the events that have happened to me thus far in life have been traumatic or life shattering. Worse thing that has ever happened to me…….yeah been thinking for five minutes already and that just shows that nothing really bad has ever happened to me. If you meant me on the street I’d be just as normal as you….I hope.
I don’t even know you, and as far as I have read I don’t know anyone else who described exactly what was happening to me. I want to thank you for sharing this in such a public place. That took real guts and to stand up to your ego like that shows real character. I realized that I have only scratched the surface of what I wanted to say, but I’d rather not overwhelm you right now. I hope this blog is still active and I hope we get to talk.
I really hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks again for posting even though it was two years ago. I’d like to know where your at with the ego now. Good luck with ACTING!!! I hope you got/get something!
Anthony
Hi Leon.
I’m glad you finally got round to trying out acting. I hope that means you’ve come to some sort of arrangment with your ego
Here are my thoughts anyway. I think that with age the ego lessens. I know that my ego has certainly dulled down since I have had to spend so much time alone. It is a constant battle though, which I think most people avoid. Its to difficult and complicated.