Think Create - Leon Grey's Blog

I have a confession to make……  I have a massively overblown ego, this huge part of my personality and has been with me all my life. My ego has been created from all the good but mostly bad experiences that I have had in the past.

Lately I have started to really hate and dispise my ego.  See not only does you ego give you brash confidence in some areas it also limits you endlessly through over protection.

Take for example.  I am wanting to get into TV commercials and a bit of acting, but because of my ego’s, fear of looking stupid or making mistakes, I have procrastinated.  This procrastination has gone on for at least 8 months and its really eating me up.

Over the years my ego has gradually developed into a second personality.  So if you speak to me, sometimes you may get my ego, armor and all, or sometimes you will get the real Leon.  Very rarely will you see the real Leon because the ego first duty is to protect, the soft heart underneath.  My ego has been so dominant that it has become my prime personality.  How scarey is that!

Here’s an interesting thought, is my ego part of me or is it a seperate personality made to shield me from the feelings of pain and rejection?  I am uncertain about this and need to do further reading to the field.

Sitting here writing about this topic is giving me a slight dull ache in the centre of my back, and what this is, is the feeling of vuneralibity.  Exposing the real Leon and who I really am makes my ego nervous and naturally does not want this to happen and is showing me by making me feel scared to write this blog.

This truly feels so liberating, to dig through all the crap and to push aside the ego that has controlled you for all your life and making the first break through.

In my younger days I was a fat little asian boy with a not so flattering surname, (not the one I use today), and was teased constantly, I just wanted to disappear and not be noticed.  This is when my ego was born.  As years went on and my size became bigger my ego developed a more aggressive approach to bullying and teasing.  Underneath this tough ego exterior was and still is a scared little boy who is afraid to be judged and to scared to show the real Leon, for fear of being ridiculed.

So right now I have a predicament, I have the Leon that wants to be fearless and do what ever he wants and I have the protective armor of ego saying” Don’t do it because you will get judged and hurt by what people say about you.

Heres an example of how my ego has stopped me achieving what I want in life.  Throughout all the books I have read there is one thing I have learnt, if you want to be the best in something, find a person that has achieved it and emulate that person. This is because that person has gone through all the road bumps and mistakes, and in this way you can avoid those mistakes.  But my ego tells me, no, I want to do it my way, I want to cut my own trail so I can feel that I have dont it all by my self.  So now I am still cutting through and making misttakes when I could easily find someone who has achieved what I want and simply emulate them.

Right now there is an internal war, and its between the ego and the true Leon that is fighting to escape his self imposed cell.

Interestingly my ego wants to do all the tv acting etc, but its the True Leon that has decided that it wont be the ego that stars, it will be the true Leon that stars.

Confusing I know!

So my question to you is, have you got control of your ego or does it control you?

I wish you all the best in your battle as mine has only just begun.

Smile!

Leon